One of my favorite tools for assessing balance in your life is called The Nine Environments of You. This week we’ll examine the power of the fifth environment — building Relationships. You can read more about this model by visiting a previous blog post, where I’ve provided an overview of all nine environments.
If you want to know someone really well, simply get to know the five people they are closest to. Everyone in a person’s life acts as a mirror to some part of themselves. We become like the people we spend the most time with. Do the people closest to you – your friends, family and colleagues — reflect who you want to be? If not, it’s time to make some changes in your relationship environment.
You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. -Jim Rohn
Mary Kay Ash, founder of Mary Kay Cosmetics, was asked, “What is the key to success in business?” Without hesitation, she responded, “Make your people feel important.”
One of the best ways to build relationships with those we want to be closer to is by finding ways to express appreciation. Mary Kay Ash was known for sending out heartfelt thank-you notes.
When you get in the habit of doing one little extra activity each day, you can create an extraordinary business and life. What kinds of extraordinary things might you do?
One of my favorite daily habits is to send an unexpected card — a note of thanks, encouragement, congratulations, or a “thinking of you” card. It’s amazing what a difference this makes in building relationships. I begin each day by sending a card of gratitude to whoever is on my mind. It sets a positive tone for the rest of the day.
Receiving a card in the mail has a different impact than receiving the same exact message in a social media post or a private message, because once you click off of a digital message, it’s no longer top-of-mind. A card with a heartfelt message will be remembered for a long time and has a lasting impact.
We never know when there won’t be a tomorrow for someone we care about. I learned this powerful lesson years ago when my father died at the age of 47, and I was reminded again when my brother died this past December at the age of 56. Both died unexpectedly after having heart attacks. It’s so important to express love and gratitude today and nurture the relationships we have right now, since tomorrow is not promised to any of us.
In music, the relationships of notes played or sung together create melody and harmony. If you think that one person is too insignificant to have an impact on your life, imagine a favorite song with one note missing throughout the piece. How would it sound if that note was never played or expressed throughout the song? Each note plays an important role in a song, just like certain people play an important role in our lives.
Now imagine a song that you know really well. Exchange one note of the piece with a different note so that each time that note appears, the wrong note is played or sung in its place. This would be very disruptive to your listening experience.
As with “wrong” notes in a song, certain relationships in your life can be very disruptive. Do an audit of your closest relationships with family, friends, and professional associations. Get clear about who is positive and supportive and who is neutral or negative and damaging for you to spend time with. This will help you invest time more wisely with your relationships . Just because someone is related to you or has been your friend or colleague for a long time does not give them license to pollute your life with their toxicity.
Honor Your Own Boundaries
A friend of mine used to go home for Thanksgiving dinner, and each year his mother would be critical of him at the dinner table. As a result, he dreaded going home for Thanksgiving. One year when his mother invited him for dinner, he accepted her invitation on one condition. He would no longer tolerate being criticized by her at the dinner table. When he showed up for Thanksgiving dinner, his mother started in with her critical remarks. He got up from the table and left the house. Several years passed before he accepted his mother’s invitation to Thanksgiving dinner. When he finally returned, she never criticized him again.
I share my friend’s story because it is a powerful example of how important it is for us to take responsibility for our own mental and emotional health. My friend made a request and his mother chose not to honor his boundaries, so it became his responsibility to enforce them. If you have negative people in your life — even if they are blood relatives – it’s your responsibility to limit your contact with them or walk away when they are not treating you with respect.
In Part 1 of this blog series, I shared Jack Canfield’s #1 success principle from his book, The Success Principles: Take 100 percent responsibility for your life. This is an important principle to remember in managing your relationships.
The Relationship Environment is very much like notes in a song. The notes can be harmonious or dissonant, repetitive or absent. The good news is that when you are the composer, you can rewrite a song to create the harmonies you choose.
What Are You Tolerating?
Are you fully expressing your authentic self as you were created to? Below are some questions to help you get clear about what you are tolerating in your Relationship environment.
Are my relationships built on trust, mutual respect, honesty, and integrity?- Do I have any unresolved issues with important people in my life?
- Do I maintain any relationships with people who are damaging, draining, or abusive?
- Do the people I spend the most time with support me and bring out the best in me?
- Do I feel comfortable being authentic with people?
- Do I forgive others who have wronged me?
- Do I apologize when I have wronged someone else?
- Do I engage in gossip?
- Do I regularly experience laughter and joy?
- Do I freely give and receive love and gratitude on a regular basis?
Once you’ve answered the questions above, you may have greater clarity about what needs some attention in your Relationship environment. I encourage you to identify some “upgrades” you desire, as well as specific actions you will take, and by when.
Here’s an example of what that looks like:
Upgrades desired in the Relationship environment:
- Minimize the time I spend with (name of person or people).
- Nurture my relationship with (name of person or people).
Actions to be taken by when:
- With calls or e-mails, let (name of person) know that I have set some goals, and in order to achieve them, I will not be available like I used to be.
- Send cards of appreciation to (name of person or people) each month.
Now, it’s your turn to identify the upgrades you desire, the actions you will take, and by when. I encourage you to choose ONE thing you will do to upgrade your Relationship environment and commit to spending 15 minutes to take immediate action. As you do this with each environment, get ready to experience synchronicity in your life like never before, as things fall into place.
If you’d like a fresh perspective– someone to help you design the balanced life you want by aligning your vision, priorities, and actions—let’s schedule a no-cost, no-pressure Discovery Call today.
Additional Resources:
- Blog: Balance Your Life: The 9 Environments of You (overview)
- Blog: Balance Your Life: Environment #1 – Memetic/Mental
- Blog: Balance Your Life: Environment #2 – Body
- Blog: Balance Your Life: Environment #3 – Self
- Blog: Balance Your Life: Environment #4 – Spiritual
- Blog: Reclaim Your Power: How to Deal with Toxic People
- Guide: Reclaim Your Power: How to Deal with Toxic People in Your Life & Business – a deeper dive
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