Why Expressing Gratitude is Essential… No Matter WHAT!

This month in the US we celebrate Thanksgiving, a time we set aside each year to count our blessings and express gratitude.

Gratitude is easy to express when life is going well, and a lot tougher when things are not the way we'd like them to be.

I recall many years ago, when I was a junior in high school and I had applied to a private high school in Michigan for my senior year.  As a singer who had outgrown the music program at my public high school in Phoenix, I was thrilled to be accepted into Interlochen Arts Academy. The next challenge was figuring out how to pay for it.  Interlochen had offered me a small scholarship, but my family still had to come up with the majority of the tuition, room and board in order for me to attend. 

My parents were having serious financial problems, and I did not see any way that they could pay for it…until my mother's diamond ring was stolen and the insurance money provided exactly the amount needed to cover the cost.

While attending Interlochen, I met my first serious boyfriend.  As is often the case with young love, we both thought that we were meant to be together forever.  Then we graduated from high school and he went to a college in Minnesota and I went to Eastman School of Music in New York. 

t was hard being apart. It was also a real financial stretch for me, since my father's income was too high for me to qualify for any financial aid (not even student loans or work study), but my parents were in the process of filing for bankruptcy and could not help me with any of the expenses. I took out regular bank loans to cover the costs for my freshman year, and I planned to legally establish my financial independence from my parents so I could reapply to receive financial aid beginning my sophomore year.

At the end of my freshman year, I went into the Financial Aid office at Eastman to change my status to "financially independent" and reapply for aid under my new status.  That's when I learned that whatever status I entered with, that's what Eastman would recognize for all four years of my time there. Although my parents were not supporting me at all, I was still not eligible for any financial aid. I had no choice but to leave Eastman. 

As I researched schools I could transfer to, I looked at the one my boyfriend was attending—Macalester College, a small private college in St. Paul, MN.  I loved what I saw, AND they offered me a great financial aid package.  I was sad to leave Eastman, but thrilled to be going to a great school, receiving financial aid, and being reunited with my boyfriend after a year apart. It couldn't get any better than that!

Life was great…until I discovered that my boyfriend was not as committed to our relationship as I was.  He had been "fooling around" during my freshman year at Eastman.  I also discovered that throughout my sophomore year, he had been unfaithful. Our breakup was painful and I remember how hard it was when I realized there was no future for us as a couple.  That night I met the man who would eventually become my husband.

Why I am I telling you all of this?  I've experienced many disappointments in my life, and each time something that seemed bad turned into something wonderful.  I could go so far as to say that if my mother's ring had not been stolen back in 1976, I would not have met and married the man who has been my husband for 32 years now.  That ring funded my year at Interlochen.  Had I not met my boyfriend there, I never would have known about Macalester College. The fact that I could not return to Eastman seemed devastating at the time, but had I not transferred to Macalester, I never would have met my husband.  Each of these "unfortunate" circumstances became a true blessing in my life.

And because all things have contributed to your advancement,
you should include all things in your gratitude."
--Wallace Wattles, Science of Getting Rich

It's easy to be thankful for your partner, your kids, your house and your job. But what about the rude client who demanded that you go the extra mile for him and work over the weekend to accommodate his last-minute demands, and then did not even say thank you for all that you did for him?  What about that jerk of a boss who didn't give you the raise you deserved?  What about the co-worker who borrowed several hundred dollars and never paid you back?  Better yet, what about your cheating spouse who dragged you and the kids through an ugly divorce? 

Are you grateful for these people and circumstances in your life?

For every negative experience, there is an equal and opposite positive "potential opportunity" waiting to be discovered.  Sometimes it's not easy to identify, but it's there.  I'll demonstrate the positive flip side for each of the examples given above:

• Even though my client was rude and ungrateful, I am thankful for him because I now know what I do not want to attract for my ideal client in the future, and I can discontinue my work with him right now.
• Although I did not get the raise I wanted, I am grateful because now I realize how dissatisfied I am with my current job and I can start putting my feelers out for something better.  Had I gotten the raise, I would have been less motivated to look for a better opportunity.
• I am thankful that my co-worker did not pay me back because that taught me to be more careful with my money.
• Although my divorce was a painful and heartbreaking experience, I am so grateful for the insights I have gained about relationships.  I now know what I need in a partner and what it takes to have a good marriage.

"If you change the way you look at things,
the things you look at change."
--Wayne Dyer

A simple shift in your own perspective can turn an unpleasant experience into a positive force for necessary change in your life. When you give thanks for EVERY experience—whether they appear to be good or bad—this will help keep your focus on the positive things you want to attract into your life.

Three key lessons I have learned along the way:

1. Focus on the things you DO want instead of the things you DON'T want.
   
   
2. Do not allow negative circumstances or experiences from your past to define who you are today and in the future.
   
   
3. It's not what happens to you that causes you feel good or bad…it's what you tell yourself about an experience that causes you feel however you feel.  You choose your thoughts, which affect how you feel.

Make a gratitude list.  Look at it every day.  If you can be grateful for each and every little win, you can make it through anything. Be grateful that you get to play the game called "life."

My best friend from high school has one child—a young man named Sam, who just graduated from college a year ago and landed a great job. About two months ago, over Labor Day weekend, Sam dove into what he thought was the deep end of a lake and instead, the water was shallow and he hit his head on the bottom and broke his neck.  He was airlifted to Dartmouth Medical Center, where the trauma team jumped into action and was able to save him. After five hours in surgery, he had a fused spine.  Sam has a C4 spinal cord injury, which means that he has function from the neck up. 

Sam is now medically stable and has been moved from the hospital to a rehab center.  Many of the patients at that rehab center are men in their 20s with similar injuries.  One of Sam's favorite things to say is, "It is what it is." 

Rather than giving up, Sam is determined to do whatever he can to regain any function that is possible. With the aid of some tools strapped to his wrists and something that stimulates his nerves (called Functional Electrical Stimulation), he has just recently been able to feed himself and comb his hair. Sam is grateful to be alive and to have a sharp mind.  He looks for the joy and the victories in any place where he can find them. I have been inspired by his courage, strength of character, and his sense of humor.

Here's an interesting exercise I invite you to do.  It exemplifies the power of focus, taken from my book, The Music of Your Heart:

Tell someone your life story or a life experience as if it were a tragedy, emphasizing all the terrible aspects of that experience.

Now tell the same story as an uplifting and delightful experience, focusing on all the good aspects of that same experience.

The actual facts do not change, but what you choose to focus on when you tell the story makes a huge difference in how you feel about your circumstances.

Try shifting your focus, and you'll be amazed at how quickly you can affect the way you feel.

The Power of Gratitude

In closing, I'll share a very personal story with you about something that happened eight years ago that changed my life forever.

In 2005, our only child moved 1500 miles away to go to college, and my husband and I became empty-nesters overnight.  The same week our daughter left for college, my mother called to tell me that she was ready to do an intervention with my brother, who'd struggled with substance abuse issues for about 25 years.  (For years I had been praying for this day to come, but NOT during the same week that our daughter moved away!) The intervention did not go well.  My mother ended up at the hospital after having an accident, and my brother went out and bought drugs and used. I went into a deep depression.

A good friend knew that I was having a tough time and she called to check on me.  Before we ended the call, she asked if I would commit to doing something daily for the next seven days, and then report back to her about how I was doing.

My friend asked me to begin each day by thinking of someone I was grateful for and send them a card of appreciation.  She showed me a way that I could send a real paper card in the mail by using an Internet-based program, so I would not have to leave my home each day to send a card. Although I was not feeling very grateful at the time, I reluctantly committed to doing this daily for the next week.

Each day I dragged myself out of bed and downstairs into my office, slumped into my chair and asked myself, "What am I grateful for?" Eventually I thought of someone, and I sent them a card to express my appreciation.  Each day I felt a little better, and by the 7th day my depression had lifted.  Expressing gratitude is the most powerful anti-depressant around! To this day, this is part of my daily habits.

I invite you to begin a daily habit of expressing gratitude.  I'm not sure who benefits the most…the sender or the recipient!

I am grateful for you, my readers, and the wonderful messages that some of you send me to share how my articles have impacted your life.  I wish you a blessed Thanksgiving!