•Self-assessment tools

•Coaching & consulting

•Virtual & onsite training

•Self-paced eLearning

•Facilitator & trainer tools

Connecting With Each Other

“Tug on anything at all and you'll find it
connected to everything else in the universe."
-John Muir

Have you ever had something happen in your life that has led to a chain reaction -- a life experience that stopped you dead in your tracks and forced you to re-evaluate your priorities? The last two months have been such a time for me.

In late August, my husband and I drove our 18-year-old freshman daughter 1700 miles from our home near Seattle to college in Minnesota. Returning without her was difficult; the silence awaiting us at home was deafening. With our daughter living so far away, I felt like someone had cut off my right arm. I had been warned about the “empty nest syndrome” and thought I had adequately prepared. But the way I had decided to fill the big hole in my life was – as I would later realize -- one of the worst options I could have possibly selected. More about that later…

Two days after my husband and I returned home from Minnesota, my mother announced that she was finally ready to do an intervention with my 44-year-old brother, who has had a serious drug and alcohol addiction problem for more than 20 years. Interventions are not effective unless all of the key people in the addict’s life are on board with the plan, and my mother had not been ready until now. In the midst of all of this, my husband went on two back-to-back business trips, leaving me home alone for nearly two weeks as I prepared for the intervention meeting with my brother, while also adjusting to being an empty-nester. Needless to say, my stress level was very high. I felt depressed and isolated in a way that I had not experienced in a long time.

During the summer, I thought I had prepared myself for becoming an empty-nester. I had come up with a brilliant idea to keep me busy so I wouldn’t focus on how much I missed my daughter. I planned to work on a few big projects that I’d kept on the back burner for several years -- developing some “virtual” products (recorded teleclasses and e-Workbooks) that my clients had been asking for. I thought this would be the perfect empty-nester remedy.

In preparation, I hired a virtual marketing coach to help me learn some new technology that I planned on using to create and launch these virtual products. I participated in a terrific teleclass series that taught me how to create and market an effective e-Workbook. And I cut my client hours back to 50% so I could spend more time with our daughter before she left for college. I planned to keep my client load reduced for the rest of the year, so I’d have time to create my virtual products. I was ready to dive in and develop these ideas I’d been sitting on for the last 3 years.

What I was not prepared for was my emotional reaction to being an empty-nester while also dealing with some heavy and painful family-of-origin issues that surfaced during the intervention process. In September my wonderful life came tumbling down before my eyes, and I did not know how to stop the free-fall. In addition to feeling depressed, I also felt like all creativity had been zapped out of me. Although I had carved out the time to do it, creating new virtual products was the last thing on my mind!

In the midst of my depression, I received a phone call from my friend, Marcia, who knew what I was going through and was calling to check on me. For those of you who have subscribed to this e-zine for a while, you may recall reading about Marcia’s beloved 25-year-old daughter, Elizabeth, who became mentally ill, had a psychotic break, and committed suicide three years ago (Sept. 2002: A Summer to Remember). Marcia and I have been through a lot together.

I told Marcia how difficult the intervention meeting had been with my brother, and how much I missed my daughter. After crying on her shoulder for a while, I asked how she was doing. She said, “I’m excited about a great new way I’m connecting with others. I’d like to share it with you, but now is not the time. I want to wait until you are in a better place.” Well, that got my curiosity! I told her, “I don’t know when that will be, so why don’t you share it with me now!” As Marcia shared what she was doing, I could hear the excitement and hope in her voice – something I had not heard from her in a long while -- and I found myself drawn to what she was sharing, like a moth to light.

Marcia told me about how much fun she was having connecting with people by sending out unexpected greeting cards at unexpected times to people she cared about. (I had been a recipient of one of these cards.) She was having a blast remembering people’s birthdays and expressing appreciation to people who had made a difference in her life. More about this later…

As I continued to work through my feelings of depression and isolation, I asked myself this question: Is there anything I choose to do differently than I am doing right now? If so, what’s stopping me from doing it? When I pondered this question, I realized that -- at least for now -- I needed to put my virtual work (which required interacting primarily with computers and electronic equipment) on hold for a while and focus my energy on doing work that keeps me connected with people. Thus, I am back to a full-time coaching practice and I’m choosing activities that keep me connected with others.

Last month as I realized how disconnected and isolated I felt, I rediscovered the healing power of extending myself to others, and how easily I can motivate, uplift, and make a difference by the simple gesture of sending a note of appreciation or encouragement to those I care about. In doing so, I’ve also helped myself feel more connected, and my depression has lifted.

Are you feeling disconnected? It makes sense to reach out to others when we feel discouraged and isolated, but human nature is to withdraw even more when we feel that way. Unfortunately, if you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Look at what you are giving and it may provide a clue as to why you are getting what you’re getting.

Numerous human development studies suggest it is easier to reach out and express ourselves in writing than it is verbally. But all of this takes so much time and effort that most of us just don't do it as often as we intend to.

Some of the greatest minds of the past century have been telling us the keys to success involve sharing regular appreciation with others. Abraham Lincoln stated that “everybody likes a compliment.” This is how he ran our country and became one of the greatest political leaders of all time; he simply complimented people. American psychologist and philosopher William James said: “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”

I can already hear business-minded people saying, "OK, this is all well and good, Kathy, but what does this mean to my bottom line? How can I prosper financially by implementing these principles?" Let's take a look at what history has taught us:

Charles Schwab was picked by Andrew Carnegie to become the first President of the United States Steel Company in 1921. Schwab’s salary was $1 million per year. When asked why he was paid so much money, Schwab replied: “I was paid this salary largely because of my ability to deal with people.” When asked how he dealt with people, he said: “I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.” Charles Schwab went on to become one of the greatest business leaders of all time.

Dale Carnegie said: “We nourish the bodies of our children and friends and employees, but how seldom do we nourish their self-esteem? We provide them with roast beef and potatoes to build energy, but we neglect to give them kind words of appreciation that would sing in their memories for years like the music of the morning stars.”

When was the last time you told your son or daughter that you were proud of them, or your employee that they did a great job, or your spouse or significant other that you love them, or your friend that you appreciate their friendship, or your customer that you appreciate their business?

We as human beings crave appreciation. When we show it, people will respond to us in the most positive ways possible…personally and professionally.

Most of us have good intentions to express appreciation, concern, and compassion…but we seldom follow through with those intentions. The difference between success and failure in your life will depend on your ability to follow through with your intentions.

Have you said everything you want to say to those you care about? If they died tomorrow, would you feel like you’d said what you wanted and needed to say?

ThanksGIVING

"From the standpoint of daily life, however, there is one thing we do know: that we are here for the sake of each other - above all for those upon whose smile and well-being our own happiness depends, and also for the countless unknown souls with whose fate we are connected by a bond of sympathy.”

-Albert Einstein

As we ready ourselves for the season of Thanksgiving, now is a good time to think about who we care about, and to express appreciation for what they bring to our lives. Who do you appreciate? Have you told them?

I generally do not promote commercial offerings in my e-zine, but I’ve recently been introduced to something that is just too good to keep to myself!

Earlier in this article I mentioned that my friend, Marcia, has really enjoyed sending out cards to people she cares about. She recently introduced me to Send Out Cards, a company that enables you to choose from an online catalog of more than 2000 greeting cards and create a personal message to be added to the card in your own handwriting (your handwriting sample and signature are scanned into the system). Send Out Cards then prints your personalized card, stuffs it in an envelope, then seals, addresses, stamps (with a real stamp), and mails it at the post office – all for about one-fifth the cost of sending a card from your local card shop. The total cost, including the stamp, is $0.99 or less.

This is an easy, quick and economical way to stay connected with family, friends, clients, prospects and colleagues. I’m using this service to send out cards at Thanksgiving to thank clients for their business. It will take me less than 5 minutes to send a card to multiple people, and the card will even include a message in my own handwriting. I estimate I’ll save a half a day of my time and $200 on the cards.

How does this work? You create your card online, from the comfort of your own desk. Your personalized card is actually mailed from the Send Out Cards headquarters in Utah, although the return address on the envelope is your return address. (If your return address is outside the USA, you still only pay for domestic postage when mailing a card to someone in the USA, since the card is actually sent from within the USA.)

My company mission is to help people focus on what's most important.  When I ask my clients what is most important to them, building relationships is consistently at the top of their list.  After evaluating this online system for my own personal use and also comparing the Send Out Cards company mission with my own company mission, I decided to incorporate this into my business offerings. 

For those interested in more information about how you can utilize this service to build professional and personal relationships with those you care about, please visit my new website at www.BeThoughtfulNow.com.

Postscript:  I received this e-mail from a Paauwer Tools subscriber right after I published this article:

Kathy, how right you are about sending cards and notes.  I have done this with my family a few years ago - they were shocked but it made us all closer.

I frequently send cards and notes to soldiers via two websites:
www.anysoldier.com
www.soldiersangels.com

Many soldiers never receive mail and their "bosses" tell me that a note or card makes their whole month.  So many are only 19 or 20 years old!  Could you please mention these links to your subscribers?

Even though our soldiers are overseas, you only need to use a regular US postal stamp to mail a card.  The links above provide APO (Army Post Office) or FPO (Fleet Post Office) addresses for the soldiers.  Note that these do not look like the street addresses we are accustomed to.  They are addresses to military collection sites within the USA.  The military takes care of getting the mail overseas to the person you are sending it to, all for the cost of a regular US domestic stamp.