Embrace Change

In last month's newsletter, I shared the story of Weldon Long, who spent 13 years locked up in prison. A couple weeks ago, I visited Alcatraz, a Federal Prison that operated from 1933 until 1963 in San Francisco Bay. After I entered the walls of this place, I tried to imagine what it would be like to be locked up there for years...or for life.   I could not wait to get out of Alcatraz!

Although most of us will never have to experience this, I do believe that many have created a self-imposed prison that is made up of imaginary walls that are named "should," "have to," and "can't."  I address this in my book, The Music of Your Heart (Chapter 7, Urgency vs Importance):

An estimated 80 percent of the population puts themselves into a self-imposed prison cell on a regular basis. We forfeit our freedom of choice through our own thought processes. When I hear someone using victim language, I often ask them, "Do you have to or do you choose to?" There are very few things in life that you have to do. Yet some forfeit their ability to choose and view their options in life as limited. This generally leads to a feeling of hopelessness. If you do not feel at choice, it may be time to change your focus. There are times that we truly are victims, but often this has been self-imposed by limiting our own choices.

We all experience times in our lives when we find ourselves in a situation where we want to escape--where we want to be, do or have something different than what we have now. This is a normal part of the human experience. How we respond to this urge to change has a huge impact on the outcome.

Here's an important question to ask yourself: Is your wish to make a change rooted in fear and desperation, or is it rooted in desire? Are you running from something to escape, or are you running toward something to reach a target or goal?

Escape-based decisions seldom result in a positive outcome. Jumping from the proverbial frying pan into the fire in order to escape something undesirable (a relationship, a job, etc.) will not serve you well.

I know a woman who desperately wanted a life partner. As she was running from loneliness, she got engaged to a man who did not share her values or treat her with respect. The relationship fell apart and she is back to being single again...and much happier than she would have been in a bad marriage.

I've seen countless professionals who are desperate to get out of an unfulfilling job, so they take the next opportunity that comes along, despite the fact that it is not what they really want. Before long, they're back to looking for yet another job so they can escape the undesirable situation they've once again found themselves in.

Target-based decisions have a much better outcome. When making a change that focuses on achieving an ultimate goal, you are much more likely to find contentment. Ask yourself if a change you are considering (relationship status, job, move, etc.) will move you toward or away from what you ultimately want.

As you pursue the path you desire, there are a few common traps to be aware of:

1. Overcoming fear
Fear is such a powerful emotion, and it stops many people from taking the necessary action to follow their heart's desires. The bigger the goal, the greater the fear and the more likely you are to resist making a decision or taking the necessary action.

Here's a great coaching exercise--called walking the plank--that I've used to help clients work beyond fear so they can take action. Ask yourself, "What's the worst thing that could happen if I did _____ (an action you are scared to take)? If that happens, then what? And then what?" Play this all the way out. Then ask yourself, "If the worst case scenario actually happened, could I live with it?" Would it really be as awful as you imagined? By simply playing it out in your mind, you dilute the power of the fear that has been controlling your decision-making or your ability to take action.

For more insights about how to overcome fear, read Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, by Susan Jeffers.

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."
--Wayne Gretsky, Canadian hockey legend

2. Listening to "should" and "have to"
Are your decisions and actions guided by the desire to impress or satisfy others? When you stop worrying about what everyone else thinks, the best decision for you will become clear. No more need to be an approval junkie!

3. Being impulsive or analytical
If you are one who makes impulsive decisions that you often regret, make a rule that you will sleep on it before deciding, or consult with a trusted friend who can help you sort out what's best for you. (Be sure it's a friend who has no attachment to what you decide.)

If you are one who gets into analysis paralysis, make a written list of the pros and cons for each of your options. Writing these down will help you have greater clarity as you make decisions.

There are three kinds of people in this world. Which one are you?

1. Those who make things happen.
2. Those who watch things happen.
3. Those who wonder what happened.

Are you ready to align with your heart's desires? If so, the first step is to decide what you want. The next step is to take the first action step that will start you down the path toward making it happen!