Leaving a Legacy

In April, my husband Doug's 57-year-old brother, Scott, was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer...a kind of cancer that is terminal because it usually spreads rapidly to distant parts of the body before it is diagnosed. Scott's oncologist told him that he might have nine to twelve months to live, if he responded well to chemotherapy. The hope was that they could shrink the tumors enough to give him some quality of life before the cancer completely took over his vital organs.

Scott immediately began chemo and he responded well to the first two treatments. He had periods of time between the treatments that his energy level was a little better and he felt okay enough to plan some travel.

Alan Paauw (Scott's son), Scott Paauw, Andy Kilcer (Scott's son-in-law)
June 5 - after third round of chemo treatments

Scott packed a lot into the month of May and got to spend time with many of the people he was closest to. While he was visiting us in Seattle, Doug and I took him to a Seattle Mariners game and we splurged on special seats in the Diamond Club. It was a magical evening, and the Mariners even won! Scott's daughter, Cindy, flew down from Fairbanks, Alaska to be with us. We created lots of special memories that week with Doug's only sibling.

Doug, Kathy, Cindy, Scott Paauw

Scott, Cindy, Kathy Paauw

Unfortunately, just two months after Scott's diagnosis, he passed away on June 9. The third round of chemo destroyed his white blood cells, which were needed to fight an infection that he got. With his immune system so compromised, his body quickly filled with toxins and he slipped into a coma. Hours later he was gone.

As soon as we got the news about what was happening, Doug got on a plane and flew from Seattle to Rochester to be by his brother's side. He was not able to get there in time. His plane landed about 45 minutes after Scott passed away.

We held a memorial service in the Seattle area (where most of Scott's family lives) on June 14 and played a video to celebrate his life. Scott touched many lives during his career and he left an incredible legacy. Here's an obituary published by his employer, the University of Rochester.

After the memorial service we had to rush my 87-year-old mother-in-law to the hospital. We learned later that she'd had a heart attack. She has been hospitalized three times since then with multiple medical challenges. Although she has had very poor health for years, this time she is struggling more than ever before. She just returned home from her third hospitalization and we are providing comfort care. Preparing to say goodbye to a beloved mother/grandmother/wife so soon after losing a brother/father/son has been a tremendous challenge for the Paauw family.

Many months ago, our family had planned a vacation to Mexico. After Scott died, we added three family members to our travel plans -- our nephew, niece, and her husband Andy. When we realized how sick Mom was, we decided it was not a good time to go away on vacation. My father-in-law and several friends urged us to go, assuring us that they would take great care of Mom while we were away and would call if anything changed. The night before our scheduled departure, we decided to go.

A week away at a resort was just what we all needed, and it was also a great time to process our grief as a family.

Family vacation in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico in June with our daughter and Scott's kids

One thing Doug had planned to do with Scott was to fly him to San Francisco to attend a Giants game on July 3 in Willie Mays' private box. Scott was a huge baseball fan and also had tremendous respect for Willie as a person. Our close friend, Irl Hirsch, is the brother of James Hirsch, NY Times bestselling author of Willie Mays: The Life, the Legend. Jim had arranged for Scott and Doug to go to the game on July 3 and spend the afternoon with Willie Mays. Since Scott passed away before the game, Doug invited me to attend in his place.

Again, Doug and I were reluctant to leave for San Francisco because of Mom's poor health, but friends urged us to go, and we just returned from a quick overnight trip. We are so glad that we went. What a once-in-a-lifetime experience!

The four of us had 2.5 hours to visit with Willie in his private box at AT&T Park. I brought the book along to get Jim's autograph, and Willie saw it sitting on a table and asked if we'd like him to sign the book, too. We may have the only copy of the book signed by both the author and Willie himself!

Jim Hirsch (author), Kathy Paauw, Willie Mays, Doug Paauw, Irl Hirsch - July 3, 2014

Lessons Learned

In the last several weeks, I've learned a lot from my experiences. I'll share some of the lessons learned here...

Willie Mays is a living example of
how to effect change with positivity.

In addition to being among the greatest baseball players to ever walk the face of this earth, Willie is also an amazing human being. To learn more about his life, read the book, Willie Mays: The Life, the Legend (authorized by Willie himself).

I learned so much from being in Willie's presence during the time we spent together a few days ago. One thing that really struck me is how positive he is. Willie had plenty of reason to become bitter and cynical. Instead, he has served as a positive force that helped pave the way for many others during the Civil Rights movement and beyond.

Although Willie was close friends with members of the Rat Pack (Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis, Jr., Dean Martin, Joey Bishop, Peter Lawford), he maintained these friendships while also honoring his own values--no drinking or partying into the wee hours of the morning. Willie loves his sleep, and he has never been a drinker. This 83-year-old legend respects his body and takes great care of himself. He also carefully guards the thoughts that enter his mind and he focuses on the positive.

Willie was not able to have children of his own, but he has already created a legacy through his life work, and he is also working with some organizations to put programs in place that help youth to better their lives. He has a huge heart!

I'd also like to share what an incredible effort it took for James Hirsch to write the book. You'll have to read it to get more details, but suffice it to say that Jim wanted to write this book so badly (with Willie's blessings and cooperation) that he went to tremendous effort to find an in-road, despite having no previous connections to anyone in Major League Baseball. It took him seven years of repeated requests before he was finally given Willie's phone number. When they spoke, Willie gave him directions to his house (mind you, Jim lives in Boston and Willie lives in San Francisco) and they met just a few days later. After meeting face-to-face, it took another year before Willie was comfortable enough to proceed with the book. Jim stayed positive and did what it took to follow his dream and write this book. We can all learn a thing or two from Jim, who never gave up on his dream!

It's important to live life fully in the present,
as tomorrow is never promised to any of us.

We packed a lot of great experiences into the month of May and early June with Scott, and we created lasting memories. People often put things off that are important to them. Although I am not one that encourages someone to go into huge debt to follow their dreams, I believe there is a balance between delayed gratification and carelessly running up a debt to enjoy instant gratification.

Some people create a "bucket list" (things they want to do, see, or have during their lifetime) but don't set intentions or take the action steps necessary to make it happen. I invite you to choose something from your bucket list, schedule it on your calendar (this makes it real) and begin taking the necessary steps to make it happen.

Specific offers of support are so meaningful
when someone is going through a tough time.

Doug and I have been amazed at the outpouring of love and care for our family. Here are some phone messages and emails we have received that have made a huge difference to us as we work through the loss and grief:

From Ruth...I'm available all weekend. When can I come over to watch your mom so you can have some time to yourself?

From Saleem (a medical friend)... I'll stop by every day if you'd like me to check on your mom while you're in Mexico. Just go and have fun and relax. You need the time away!

From Marilee...I'd like to bring over a big pan of spice ribs for you. I know you aren't cooking much with all of this going on and I'm happy to provide some good comfort food for your family.

We've received many other heartfelt offers. Most people say something like this: "Let me know if there is anything I can do to help." Although I know that people are sincere in making this offer, the reality is that when one is in the middle of experiencing grief and loss, it's hard to even think of what you need or how others can help. I would not have thought to ask someone to do any of the specific things they offered, but their gestures were welcomed and received with tremendous gratitude.

Different people respond
to grief in different ways.

My mother-in-law has never cried after losing a loved one (including the most recent loss of her son), and she has never talked about her loss after their passing. Instead, she internalizes her grief and gets really sick.

Others feel a need to cry and talk about their grief, loss, and memories of their loved one.

Although I am one who processes my feelings much more outwardly, I recognize that this is not how everyone is able to respond to their grief experience. It's important to honor each person's way of dealing with grief without judgment, rather than making them "wrong" for how they grieve.

Be selective about what you choose to keep.
You can't take it with you when you die.

Over the last decade of his life, my brother-in-law became a packrat. I have not yet been to his house, but the reports shared by my husband and nephew tell me that I have my work cut out for me when I arrive in Rochester, NY later this month to help sort through and clear everything out of Scott's home and storage unit.

When Doug returned home from Rochester after Scott died, he said to me, "I am a changed man! I want to get rid of a bunch of things I have been holding onto that I have not looked at in years. I don't want to leave a mess like that for Carly to have to deal with someday when I die." That was music to my ears! I am a minimalist and Doug has been a collector. I have been asking Doug to get rid of some things for most of our married life (33 years).

According to a 2009 report by the National Storage Association, Americans spend $22 billion annually to store their excess stuff in storage units!

How much stuff is too much? When do belongings--even deeply personal ones--become a burden? What do we keep, and what should we pass on when we die?

In The Objects of Our Affection, by Lisa Tracy, the author writes about cleaning out family members' belongings after her mother's death. She talks about the memories and stories that are attached to different objects, the $10,000 she and her sister spent storing her family treasures in a storage facility, the pain she felt when she finally decided to let go of some things, and the things she learned along the way.

I teach a free webinar called Buried in Paper and I invite you to attend. Here are some questions I teach people to ask themselves when deciding whether to keep or get rid of something:

• What's the worst thing that could happen if I threw this away?
• By the time I might need this, will it be obsolete?
• If I threw this away now and discovered I needed it later, could I fairly easily replace it?
• If my home or office burned down, would I miss this (item, information, etc.) enough that I would actively seek to replace it?
• If it has sentimental value but I cannot use it or don't have space for it, how can I keep the memories without keeping all the stuff?
• Does it have tax or legal implications?
• How will it enhance my life to keep this? 

Our nephew's first night sleeping in his dad's house after Scott's passing, his father came to him in a dream that seemed so real. He said, "Alan, I am so sorry that I left this mess for you to have to clean up." This is a good reminder to us all to clean up our messes now, so our loved ones don't have to deal with it when we are no longer here.

Express love and gratitude
daily, beginning today!

Scott had never been one to verbalize his gratitude to people he was closest to. After his terminal diagnosis, his priorities changed and he felt a strong desire to let people know how much he loved and appreciated them. He became so grateful for all the little things he had taken for granted before.

Who or what are you taking for granted? I invite you to begin a daily ritual where you start your day by thinking of someone you are grateful for, and send them a card to express your gratitude. I have been doing my daily gratitude ritual for more than eight years now, and this one habit has completely transformed my life. Beginning your day with gratitude sets the tone for your whole day! I've you'd like to learn more about the Internet-based system I have been using for years, which enables me to send a real card in the mail (with a real stamp) without leaving my office, request a time on my schedule and I will help you test-drive it and send your first card on me.

Legacy questions for you to ponder...

1. What different choices would you make if you knew that your days were numbered?
2. How would you show up differently with those you care most about? (Consider not only what you would DO, but also how you would BE.)
3. What is important to you...something or someone that you have not made a priority, up until now?
4. What is your greatest regret in your life? Is there something you can do now to change course?
5. What legacy do you choose to leave?  What's the next step you'll take to move in that direction?