Farewell to My Mother

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal.
Love leaves a memory no one can steal."
--From a headstone in Ireland

1987 with Mom and my daugher

2011 celebration of Mom's 79th birthday

On April 21, my mother passed away.  She was almost 81 years old.  She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about five years ago.  Over the last several years I have gradually said good-bye to her as she slipped away from us.

On April 2, Mom fell and broke her hip. She was in a lot of pain as she tried to recover from hip replacement surgery. Unfortunately, her brain function was too low to do rehab so she could learn to walk again, and she also did not remember what happened to her, so she constantly wondered why she was hurting and why she could not get up and walk.  Alzheimer's is a very cruel disease that robs the person of the ability to access the one organ that makes us uniquely who we are—our brain.

Mom's Alzheimer's gave me a way of preparing for her death through a downward spiral of health that allowed me to be grateful that she left us for Heaven.  That being said, there is no way of preparing for the emptiness I feel at losing her. Grief provides a roller coaster of emotion. I look forward to the day when I can have happy memories without pain.

A couple of years before her Alzheimer's diagnosis, I had a conversation with my mother that really struck me.  She shared several life regrets, but she felt like it was too late to change.  I encouraged her to look at some shifts she could make to create a different outcome in several areas of her life that represented pain, unhappiness, and regret. She had already decided that it was too late to change. She had resigned herself to settling for what she had.

As a life coach who has helped many others make powerful shifts in their lives, it was frustrating to hear my own mother be so resigned to maintaining things as they were.  My experience as a coach has taught me that unless someone is motivated to make changes, other people's desire to "help" does not really make a difference. My mother continued to make the same choices and experience the same outcomes up until the time that her Alzheimer's took hold.

We all have choices.  Unless we recognize that we have choice--versus remaining a victim to our circumstances--our lives will remain the same.

Here are some questions to help you think about what you may want to change in your life NOW!

• Where do you see yourself in five to ten years if you continue doing what you're doing and being who you're being right now?  Answer this question for each of these areas of your life:
• Marriage / committed relationship
• Business / career
• Family
• Finances
• Spiritual life
• Health
• Hobbies
  

• What concrete action steps do you choose to take to make shifts in your behavior that will help you move toward what you want to do, be or have in each of the areas listed above?

• If you had one free day to do anything you wanted to do, what would your day look like?  Where would you be?  Who would you be with?  What would you be doing?

• If you knew that you only had one year left to live, what would you do that is different from what you are doing now?
  

• What are some life experiences that are on your Bucket List?  What do you dream of doing, being or having?
  

• What feelings do you have that you have not authentically shared with those you care most about?  What would be possible in your life if you were to honestly share?  (Sharing your authentic feelings could mean ending an unhealthy relationship.)
  

• Are there any important relationships that you have neglected that you choose to invest in NOW?
  

• What old patterns, habits, beliefs or relationships are you ready to let go of so you can be happy?

Although I was not able to help my mother make different choices, perhaps I can encourage others by writing this article.  Of course, this will only make a difference to those who are ready to make different choices, take action, and embrace change.

What are you waiting for?

If your life is not as you wish it to be, you can do something about it.  One great resource to help you do that is Jack Canfield's book, The Success Principles: How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be. His #1 principle is this: Take 100% responsibility for your life. Following this single principle alone has completely changed my life.

About a week before my mother passed away, I had a prompting to send her a card to tell her that I loved her. I am so glad that I listened to that inner voice. Even though she did not always remember who I was, she loved getting cards.

Don't wait until tomorrow to say whatever you are prompted to say today. Tomorrow is not guaranteed.

Mother's Day is just around the corner on May 12.  I invite you to send a free card in the mail to express your love and appreciation to your mother or someone like a mother who has touched your life in a meaningful way. 

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!  I am grateful that you are finally free of pain, suffering and limited mind.